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LINCOLN LEAGUE 



a GolorcD ©DMtB in ©ne Scene 



BY 

B. C. RAWLEY 



Copyright, 1914, bt 
DICK & FITZGERALD 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Ann Street 



The Lincoln League. 

CHARACTERS. 

Hon. Bromo Selzer President of " The Lincoln League '* 

Bunker Hill Penn Grand " Sekertary " 

PoKERDEMUs HuNKERs Holder of the " dough hag" 

Caesar Augustus Adams A would-be boss 

Smoke Stack Door-keeper, janitor and official bouncer 

Alexander Hopton Jones. .President of the Boot Blacks Union 
Abraham Lincoln Hobson . .President of the Pullman Porters 

Club 
Hannibal Lee Jackson. .Secretary of the Waiters Tipping Trust 

John Quincy Roosyvelt Of the Elevator Lifters' Combine 

Rube Christy Baker, . ; Of the Barbers Union 

George Washington Taylor Of the Whitewashers Brigade 

Christopher Columbus Smith A mule driver 

Goodrich Brown The people s candidate for Alderman 

Time. — The Present. Locality. — Anywhere. 

Time of Playing. — About one hour if played straight. 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

All the characters are black-face, with the exception of Good- 
rich Brown. 

The costumes should be extravagant and ludicrous. Try to 
make the characters strikingly dififerent, as the best part of^ the 
fun can be brought out in the action. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Matches and duster for Smoke. Cigars for Adams. Note 
book, cigars with bands, long roll of paper for Penn. Bills for 
Taylor and Smith. Drum beats and chain rattle off stage. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, r. 
means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of stage; d. r. c, 
door in right center rear flat ; d. r., door at right ; d. l., door at 
left. Up means towards back of stage ; down, toward foot- 
lights. 

2 

g)C!.D 37480 

JUL -7 19!4 



The Lincoln League, 



SCENE : — Assembly-room of " The Lincoln League." Plain room 
hacking; walls hung with flags, streamers, mottoes, etc. 
D. R. c. to smoking-room, doors r. and l. President's desk 
and chair «/> c. Books, gavel and blank book on desk. 
Chairs r. of desk for secretary and l. of desk for treasurer. 
Two chairs in front of desk, tivo in front of secretary and 
two in front of treasurer; single chair down r. and one 
DOWN L. DISCOVERED Smoke dusting and arranging 
room. 

Smoke {dusting vigorously). I s'pose ebberyt'ing got ter shine 
here dis ebenin', cause to-night am de annibersary ob dis league, 
whateber dat is. I jess s'pect dar's sumfin' good to eat goes wif 
it, an' — an' dat's 'bout all I care 'bout it. (Stops as if 
in sudden thought) An' I jes' s'pects dar's gwine ter be heaps 
ob trouble, too. Dat man Adams he 'pears to be audashious 
narbous 'bout sumfin'. (Suddenly starts dusting) Well, let 
dem worry what's got sumfin' ter worry 'bout. (Loud knock d. l.) 

Adams (off d. l.) I say Smoke— Smoke! 

Smoke. Golly, speak ob angels an' you heah deir wings 
flutterin'. (Louder) Don't puff no moah. Smoke is heah. 

Adams. Let me in! 

Smoke (continues dusting). Help yo'self. 

ENTER Adams d. l., angrily. 

Adams (stops and glares at Smoke). Well! 

Smoke (still dusting). Yes mostly, 'ceptin' a little hay fever. 

Adams. Abbreviate dat jokin', man. Yo' better recognize 
your position an' keep right dar. Am I de fust gemmen to ar- 
ribe dis ebenin' ? 

Smoke (still busy). No, I wuz heah first. 

Adams. How long do you intend to 'lucidate in dis man- 
ner? Do you realize who you'se talkin' to? Why, man, you'se 
de janitor. 

Smoke (quickly). Yes. dat's my number. 

Adams. Well, den don't try to multiply yo'self, and jes' al- 

3 



4 The Lincoln League. 

low me to add dat in de division of your duties, you'd bettah 
subtract yo'self from buttin' in on all occasions. (Walks 
proudly back to the president's desk; about to sit in chair) 

Smoke (rushes back, stops him, by sitting there himself). I'm 
sorry, sah, dat in de division ob my duties, one ob de mos' pain- 
ful ones am to subtract you from occupyin' dis honorable chair. 

Adams (fiercely). Who forbids me? 

Smoke. De janitor ob de Lincoln League. (Goes down, bows 
low) 

Adams (c, suddenly cooling off). I think I understand, I 
snuffed trouble before I came in. 

Smoke (grins). Yes, I beliebe I heard you yell Smoke fro' de 
key-hole. 

Adams. Now look heah, Smoke, you can't git my goat nohow. 
Jess lissen once to me. I know you are wise to de wide open 
trouble dat am brewin' to-night. I mean to show up' dat guy 
Selzer or bust dis League. Does you understand? 

Smoke. Yes, sah, an' I also understan' dat you'se got sumfin' 
ter bust. (Walks away about his work. Adams watches him 
disgustedly) 

ENTER Jones, Hobson, Jackson, Roosyvelt and Baker, d. l., 
engaged in conversation; do not see Adams or Smoke. 

Jones (backing in). Dat's jes' what I think, gemmen. We's 
got to hang together to git de coin. If we don't, what's de use 
of our unions and combines. An' I, for one, shall insis' in 
ebbery instance dat we git ebbery cent dat's comin' to us, an' as 
much moah as de good people wants to slip wif it. Dat ain't 
graft, brudders, dat's good common sense. (Backs into Aj)Ams, 
turns about quickly) Oh, I beg youh pahdon, Mr. Adams. 

Adams. Oh, dat's all right, Jones. I believe you'd walk all 
ober anybody fob dat almighty dollah youse so interested in. 

Hobson (laughing). He's a little unsteady now kase he's 
full of clam chowder and politics. 

Jackson. To say nuffin' ob de gin. (All laugh) 

Roosyvelt. You look worried, Adams. Anything special dis 
ebenin' ? 

Baker. Yes, what's up? 

Adams (talking confidentially). Lissen, gents! You realize 
dat de Lincoln League alius figgers prominently in de fight for 
Alderman in dis ward. You also know dat our President 
Selzer am promotin' Goodrich Brown fob de job. Again you also 
know dat de white politicians do considerable missionary work 



The Lincoln League. 6 

for de popular cullud vote. Now den, de question am — will you 
let Selzcr pull you foh Brown, or will you follow me and git 
de coin? 

Smoke (aside). By golly, if dey follow him dey'll git six 
months. 

Adams. What's de answer, gemmen? 

Jones (clearing throat). As president ob de Boot Black's 
Union I must confess dat we alius "shine" on such occasions. 
(All cheer) But ob course we mus' admit dar ain't no patent 
leather shine dat appeals to us like de shine ob silber and gold. 

Adams. Now for Hobson's choice. 

HoBSON (straightening up). As de mos' influential membah 
ob de Pullman Porter's Club, I do not hesitate to state dat a 
few extra doUahs always makes a much easier berth for de 
tired traveler. 

Adams (laughing). Dar ain't no cobwebs in youh "upper 
section" Hobson. Am you wif us Jackson? 

Jackson. Why, how ridikerlous for you to s'pose dat a mem- 
bah of the " Tipping Trust " could shut his eyes to de glitter 
ob coin. Show us de man wif de dollah, an' we gits it, dat's 
all. (All cheer) 

Adams (looking at Roost-zelt). And now, John Quincy? 

RoosYVELT. Yes, sah. Yo' see de " ups and downs " ob de 
" Elevator Lifters Combine," ob which I am de representative, 
am so berry numerous dat if dere is an extra dollah in sight, 
we's goin' up after it an' — an*" we generally comes down wif it. 
(All cheer) 

Adams (rubbing hands). Gemmen, dis agreeableness am sur- 
prisin'. Ob course you are in. Baker? 

Baker (quickly). De Barber's Union hab always "cut" its 
way to de front. Ob course dar habe been many close shaves, 
and some hair-breadth escapes, but we generally is pretty keen 
on de extras. Yes, sah, we is unanigous for all de " extras." 
(All hurrah) 

Smoke (partly aside). Some grafters, I guess. Jes' wait 
till de other side comes ober wif a few " extras." 

Adams (turning quickly to Smoke) What's dat? 

Smoke. I said we's all agreed on de extras. 

Adams. I think we are all agreed dat any extra pains you 
take to keep out ob dis conversation will be appreciated, sah. 
(Starts over toward others) 

Smoke (at work). I hope dat youh appreciation won't cause 
me any " extra " pains. 

Adams (ignoring Smoke). Gemmen, I cannot oberlook youh 



6 The Lincoln League. 

generosity wifout some reward. (Takes handful of very long 
cheroots from pocket) Dese are some choice smokes from de 
opposition headquarters. I think dey call dem " Ole Hickory 
Splits." (Hands cigars to men) 

Smoke. Golly, de name soun's purty tough. 

Adams (turns to Smoke). Just to show you dat I don't min' 
what you say and dat dere is no gruge between us, Smoke, I 
ofifer you one, and I hones'ly hope as you enjoy its delicate 
aroma dat you will 'member de giver. 

Smoke (takes cigar quickly, and as he sees others preparing 
to light cigars, he stops them). Gemmen, I mus' be perticlar 
'bout de orders. Section eleben ob de by-laws done say dar 
shall be no smokin' in dis room. (Stepping hack to d. r. c) 
De rules and regumulations require me to invite you to de 
smokin' room. 

Adams. Dat's right, gemmen, I'd entirely forgot dat rule. 
Now if you will join me, we'll fix up furder plans for de cam- 
paign. (All hut Smoke EXIT d. r. c.) 

Smoke (coming down to c, looking curiously at cheroot). 
Ole Hickory Splits! (Laughs) Mebbe it will, but I'll bet it 
won't burn. I guess de rules and regumulations don't stop de 
janitor from smokin' in dis room, so I'll tackle dat split. 
(Puts cigar in mouth, and attempts to light same, making 
ludicrous faces in puffing) Dey orter pull votes all right by 
de way dey pull on de back ob my neck. (Makes another at- 
tempt to light, as hefore) I guess by de time I gits dis lit, I'll 
habe plenty ob time to remember de giver. (Lights another 
match) I wonder how dem other ginks are enjoyin' deir Hick- 
ory Sticks. By golly if dey don't decide to split dir tickets — 
(Burns finger) Gee, I should worry — (Throws away match) 
an' — an' light anudder match. (Lights another match and finally 
lights cigar, — takes a few big puffs and blows out considerable 
smoke) Golly, dat's some aroma — smells more like punk dan 
hickory. (Begins dusting again, and is puffing hard on the cigar, 
filling the room with smoke) 

ENTER Hunkers and Penn d. l., not seeing Smoke. 

Penn (as they enter). I tell you, Hunkers, we've got de 
rascal on de run like a skeered 'possum, an' — an' when we git 
him treed, (Slaps Hunker on hack) we'll smoke him out wif 
Brown's campaign extras. (Snuffs) Whew, what's burning? 

Hunkers (holding nose). Smells powerful like garbage. 

Smoke (blows out smoke and coughs) Better bring youh 



The Lincoln League. 7 

'possum in heah, if you want him properly smoked. (All laugh) 
I'se jes' smokin' dis to please a friend. {Takes puff) Ob 
course, it may be my las' smoke, (Another big puff) but you 
know, gemmen, many a moke has laid down his life for a 
friend. 
Hunkers (holding nose again). Murder! 
Smoke (blowing out more smoke). No, suicide. 
Penn. Who's youh friend, Smoke? 

Smoke. Adams! He's passin' dem out from opposition 
headquarters, if you know whar dat is. 

Penn (striking Hunkers on back). Good! 
Smoke (looking at cigar, disgusted). No, dey's bad! 
Penn. No, Smoke, you habe given us a clue. You see dar 
is a split in de party. 

Smoke (holding up cigar). Yes, dat's one ob 'em. Split free 
times foh a nickel. An'— an' dere's moah ob dem in de smokin' 
room. 

Penn (quickly to Hunkers). Jes' as I s'pected— Adams is 
heah wif de gang. He's tryin' to oust Selzer, fustly because he 
favors Goodrich Brown for alderman, secondly, an' mos' aus- 
piciously he's puttin' up a holler 'bout bribery, slandery, larceny, 
et cetera, and so forth. 

Hunkers (rubbing hands). Dat's de game, suah. (Calling 
Smoke down) Does you realize, young man, dat de opposition 
is now caught in a trap? 

Smoke (curiously). I thought you wuz chasin' him up a 
tree? 
Hunkers. Chasin' who? 

Smoke. Why, dat— dat 'possum you was chasin' when you 
come in. 

Hunkers (quickly). Do you realize dat you habe been bribed 
by de opposition. When you accepted dat cigar you was bribed, 
sah, do you understand? — bribed, sah. 

Smoke. Well, whatebber dat is can't be no wurser dan de 
cigar. 

Penn (taking note book from pocket and zvrites, talking as he 
writes). Janitor accepts bribe from opposition. Caught wif de 

goods which sholy goes to show dat de party splits are — are 

Smoke. Hickory — free for five cents. 

Penn (not noticing, zvrites and reads). Hickory, three — (To 
Smoke) Say what are you talkin' about? (Writes and reads) 
De party splits are getting purty numerous, and dat dere are 

others — are others 

Smoke. In de nex' room, smokin' splits- 



8 The Lincoln League. 

Penn (reads and writes)- In de nex' room — (To Smoke) 
Oh, go on. (Reads and writes again) Dere are others, im- 
plicated, if dey — (Scratches head as if thinking) if dey 

Smoke. Don't git sick an' die. 

Penn (writes and reads again). If dey tells de trufe will 
say dat — dat 

Smoke. Dem is de rottenest cigars dey »ebber smoked. 
(Blows out smoke, and throws stub of cigar out r.) Good-bye 
friendship. 

Penn (angrily putting book in pocket, glances at Smoke). 
You make me sick. 

Smoke. I'll bet 'twuz de cigar. Cheer up, I just chucked 
de stub. 

Penn (laughing, slaps Smoke on back)- Smoke, you are 
certainly berry clever, an' I don't min' lettin' you in on ouh 
little secret. 

Smoke (pointing R-). Well, I jes' broke off wif one friend, 
but — but I'se alius lookin' fob improvements. (Penn takes 
cigar with fancy band from pocket. Smoke backs off) 

Penn. .Don't be s'picious. Dat's de bes' cigar in town. 
(Takes more from pocket, gives one to Hunkers) Those are 
" Extras." 

Smoke. Did you say "Extras?" 

Penn. Yes, sah. (Smoke laughs heartily) Well, what's de 
joke? 

Smoke (laughing). Say, dat gang in de smokin' room is 
lookin' fob all de " Extras." (Points to d. l. c. Cheers are 
heard off l., as of demonstration on street; finally sound of 
drums beating time) 

Hunkers. Does you heah dat? Political meetin' fob Good- 
rich Brown ovah on de nex' street. 

Penn (going close to Smoke). Now lissen, boy. To-night 
in ouh banket hall dere's gwine to be a gran' chicken-pie sup- 
per; wif all de fixin's. 

Smoke (points to cigar). An' — an' some "Extras?" 

Penn. Suah! But youh duties to-night as bouncer will be 
very heavy. 

Smoke. Do I also eat? 

Penn. Ob course, when de propah time comes, but what I 
wants to press on youh min' is dat nobody gits inter dat room, 
nobody eats 'less he 'tends to vote fob Goodrich Brown. Do you 
understan' ? 

Smoke (puzzled). I do, an' I don't. Now, s'pose when de 
fust hungry niggah comes to dat door I say " hoi' on, you, youh 



The Lincoln League. 9 

a Brown man?" an' he say "no, you fool niggah, I'se a brack 
man" — an' den he punches me in de jaw and passes right in. 

Penn (carelessly). You am not supposed to let dat happen. 
When yo* applied foh dis job dar was no impossumbilities men- 
tioned. {Music and cheers heard off l. as before. Drums beat 
time) 

ENTER Taylor and Smith, d. l., arm in arm, stepping to time 
of the musiC' 

Taylor and Smith (stop suddenly l., on discovering others^ 
still arm in arm). Hurrah for Brown! 

Smoke (aside). Good. Dey count two for me at supper 
time. I don't get no punch in de face offen dem. 

Taylor and Smith (each hold out folded paper). We's got 
our bills. 

Penn. Oh, yes, yes- (Takes bills, opens Taylor's) De 
Lincoln League debtor to George Washington Taylor for fifty 
chickens. 

Smoke (aside). Yum, yum, I hope I libs to pick dem bones. 

Penn (reads Smith's bill). De Lincoln League debtor to 
Christopher Columbus Smith for haulin' three crates ob chickens. 
Gemmen, you solemn swear an' testify dat dese are true state- 
ments, an' dat dere was positively and surely fifty chickens, an' 
dat you hab gibben de exact figgers in ebbery instance? (Tay- 
lor and Smith eye each other suspiciously) 

Taylor (stammering). Ob-c-c-course I couldn't state positive 
'bout de number ob chickens, k-kase it was a powerful dark 
night, an' — an' — an' dey was roostin' high 

Smith (interrupts). An' — an' I had to dribe de ole mule so 
fas', dat — dat, ob course some chickens mought hab got spilled 
out behin', b-b-but we's mighty certain dar mus' been at leas* 
forty-nine. (Smoke snickers) 

Penn (eyeing Smoke suspiciously; quickly). De reports 
am entirely sassafractory. (Takes pencil from pocket, writes 
on each bill) I will place my O. K. on dese bills and Brudder 
Hunkers will pay de same. 

Taylor and Smith (take bills, both look at same, and speak 
at once). What's dem O. K.'s mean? 

Hunkers (sees that Penn is puzdcd for an answer) O. K., 
why, dat means dat you git " Only Kash." 

Penn (breathing easier). Yes, ob course, an' dat's jes' what 
you wanted. 

Smoke (aside). Dey ought ter git at least thirty days- 



10 The Lincoln League. 

Hunkers. Now, gemmen, you jes' come in de nex' room, 
an' we'll close dis matter right up. (Hunkers and Penn EXIT 
D. R. c, followed by Taylor and Smith, who are still arm in arm. 
More music mingled with cheers heard off h.) 

ENTER Selzer, d. l. 

Selzer (at D. L., looking off). Dat's right boys! Whoop it 
up for Brown. He's a sure winner. (Turns, sees Smoke, takes 
cigar from pocket, offers it to Smoke) Good ebenin', Smoke, 
hab a smoke? (Laughs) Ah, dat's a joke. 

Smoke. Keep it den. I'se already enjoyed one joke- 

Selzer. No, dis cigar ain't no joke. When I said Smoke hab 
a smoke — dat was de joke. (Laughs) 

Smoke (points to cigar). Den dat ain't no joke? 

Selzer. Ob co'se not. 

Smoke (puzzled)- An' I ain't no joke? 

Selzer. Suah not! 

Smoke. Well, den what's de joke? 

Selzer. Now, it's like dis. When I said Smoke hab a smoke, 
I used ambigerous language, so to spoke. You see de cigar 
is a smoke, an' — an' yo' is a Smoke, bofe alike, you see. 

Smoke. Yes, dat is not perfectly plain. 

Selzer. Now watch me close. (Smoke does so) For here's 
whar de joke comes in. I say " Smoke, hab a Smoke." (Laughs 
heartily) 

Smoke (walks away disgusted). Enjoy yo'self. (Turns 
around quickly, sees Selzer still smiling, comes back angrily, 
pointing to cigar) I thot you sed dat Smoke wasn't a joke- 

Selzer (impatiently). It ain't, sah. 

Smoke (snappishly). Well, den, I must be de joke. (Looks 
all around) Dey's a joke here some whar. 

Selzer. Heah, Smoke, take dat cigar. (Forces it into his 
hand) Smoke it ! Den if youh brain-box don't operate, come 
to my offis nex' Tuesday an' I'll explain de joke. 

Smoke (curiously turning cigar over and over) Am dat one 
ob dem campaign " Extras ? " 

Selzer (cautiously). Sh! Sh! not so loud. If Goodrich 
am elected de Lincoln League gits dem cigars free gratis foh 
nothin' foh six months- 

Smoke (imitating Selzer). Sh ! Sh ! Does you know what 
we gits if de other feller am elected? 

Selzer (curiously)- No, what? (Smoke laughs heartily. 



The Lincoln League. 11 

doubles up, finally ends with slapping Selzer on the back) Well, 
I don't see de joke. 

Smoke (fairly yells zvith laughter). Neither did I, but dat 
is whar de joke comes in. 

Selzer. What joke? 

Smoke (grinning). Why, when I sez " Mr. Selzer hab a 
Hickory Split." 

Selzer. I don't see de joke yet. 

Smoke. Now lissen. When I say dat — what I sed— why, you 
jes' smoke de Hickory Split, den— den if your brain-box don't 
buzz.— you' (Laughs) you come to my offis nex' Tuesday, an' I'll 
explain de joke. (Walks aivay and begins arranging chairs, etc.) 

Selzer (watches him in disgust for a second, pulls out watch 
noticing time). Hab any other membahs ob de Lincoln League 
yet arribed? 

Smoke. Yes, sah, all in de smokin' department. 

Selzer (zvalks back to president's desk). Please inform dem 
dat de auspishus moment hab arribed to call de meetin'. 

Smoke. Yes, sah! [EXIT d. r. c 

Selzer (standing at desk as if thinking, finally). I s'pect dat 
man Adams am gwine to make trouble to-night- He's 'dignant 
kase I started de 'vestigation 'bout graft, but I'se reckonin' dat 
de chicken-pie to-night will rem.ove all doubtful objections. 
Dar's sumfin' 'bout chicken dat binds togedder de hearts ob de 
colored fraternity in one fond embrace. An' den, dar's Brown, 
he's promised to drop in dis ebenin' and offer a few words for 
de good and welfare ob de order. (Talking and laughing heard 
in smoking room) Dat's Adams now— but j.es' wait till I s'prise 
d'Cm wif dat chicken-pie. 

ENTER Smoke from d. r. c, followed by Jones, Adams, Hobson, 
Jackson, Roos^'velt and Baker. All salute on seeing 
Selzer, except Adams. They take seats as follozvs -.—Jones 
and Hobson tzvo chairs l., Jackson and Roosyvelt two chairs 
R., Baker, single chair r. Adams walks over to front l., and 
remains standing facing audience. Smoke goes to front R., 
and stands waiting further orders. 

Selzer (taking seat behind desk, raps zvith gavel). De Lincoln 
League please come to order. 

ENTER Penn and IIunkeps d. r. c- salute Selzer and take 
their places at desk. They are followed by Taylor and 



12 The Lincoln League. 

Smith, still arm in arm, who salute Selzer and then take 
places in two chairs c. sitting as close as possible. 

Selzer. Mr. Janitor, you may chain de outah doah. 

Smoke (goes c. makes extravagant bow, EXITS d: l., rattles 
chains outside, finally returns, makes bow again) De door am 
chained 'cordin' to youh worthy ordahs. 

Selzer. Our worthy sekertary will call de roll. 

Penn (takes blank book from desk). Selzer. 

Selzer. Youh worthy president am heah. 

Penn. Hunkers. 

Hunkers. Present. 

Penn. Adams. 

Adams (savagely). Heah. 

Penn. Stack. 

Smoke, I wuz here fust. 

Penn. Smith. 

Smith and Taylor (both raise hands and answer at once)'. 
Guilty. (Everybody turns and looks at them quickly, finally 
resume original positions) 

Penn. Jones. 

Jones. Present, sah. 

Penn. Hobson. 

HoBsoN. Heah, also. 

Penn. Jackson. 

Jackson. Ditto. 

Penn (laughing). Elevator Roosyvelt. 

RoosYVELT (quickly). Going up. 

Penn. Baker. 

Baker. Always heah. 

Penn. And youh sekertary am heah also. (Replacing book on 
desk) 

Selzer. Am glad to see de attendance so full dis ebenin'. 

Smoke (aside). I'se sholy seen 'em fuller. 

Selzer. Worthy janitor, please reques' Brudder Adams to 
occupy a chair. Dey's all free to membahs in good standin'. 

Smoke (walks over to Adams). Mr. Adams, de orders am 
foh you to sit. 

Adams (quickly). Well, if I'se in good standin' I prefur ter 
Stan'. (Smoke returns) An' I make a motion right now dat I 
be allowed to stan'. 

Selzer. Does I hear any support to dat motion? (All look 
from one to the other, but no one speaks, Adams glares at them) 
I done declare de motion lost. 

Adams. While I'se on my feet I'se gwine to make anudder 



The Lincoln League. 13 

motion, an' dat am namely : Dat de committee on graft investiga- 
tion report at once forthwif, right NOW. (All appear uneasy) 

Selzer. Docs I hear any support to dat motion? {Everybody 
uneasy as before, but no reply) I declare de motion lost ag'in. 

Adams (angrily, turns on rest). Wha's de matter with you 
mokes? Has I got to secon' my own motions to get dem before 
de house? Wha' you s'pect I makin' motions for? 

Smoke (aside). Nothin'. 

Penn (rises, clears throat). Mistah president, de committee 
am ready to report now. 

Selzer. Den now am de accepted time. 

Adams. I see my motion finally pervails, so I'll occupy a chair. 
(Sits in single chair l.) 

Penn (still standing, unrolls long paper). Brudders and 
membahs ob de Lincoln League, youh investigatin' committee, ob 
which I am de honored chairman, does hereby submit its solemn 
report We ob course realized from de instep dat it was a bery 
broad subjic' to considah, knowin' dat many brilliant men ob de 
white suashion was divided in deir 'pinions, so we say what a 
white man don't know shouldn't bodder de colored man, an' jes' 
den when we was 'bout to gib up an' say " we don't know wha' dis 
graft is," we looks in de dickshunary, an dere it is plain as de 
nose on youh face, so we decided unanigusly dat anybody dat 
don't know what graft is, should look in de dickshunary on page 
leben hunderd sixteen. Dis report am darfore submitted hones'ly 
and truly, widout respec' to persons or color. Bunker Hill Penn, 
Chairman. (All cheer except Adams) 

Adams (grouchily). I move dat de report be referred to de 
waste basket. 

Hunkers. Am dere any more remarks? (Pause, no one re- 
plies) Gemmen, I cannot refrain frum makin' speshul mention 
ob dis berry excellent report, and I think you all agree dat it 
gibs us a great insight into dis magnanimus question dat am to- 
day bodderin' de human race. I am powerful glad to see dat 
our colored organizations and combinations am so well repre- 
sented heah to-night, and I feel 'sured, gemmen, dat after hearin' 
dis report, you realize dat dere is no graft in your borders. 
(Cheers) Gemmen, hab you anything moah to ofifer? 

Jackson. I feel jes' like bobbin' up an' say in' amen, an' I 
know dat I voice de sentimunt ob de other organizations, when I 
say dat in all ob my seberal years' 'sperience as a waiter, I nebber 
accepted a tip dat didn't come from de fulness ob de giver's 
heart, dat's all. (Sits down quickly, amidst cheers) 

Adams (gruffly). I s'posed mos' ob dem tips gene'lly come 
frum de fullness ob de pocket-book. (No one seems to pay any 



14 The Lincoln League. 

attention; he finally jumps up) Say, it begins to look like yo' 
mokes is all tryin' to make yo'selves out angels. But, beliebe me, 
I knows dey's grafters in dis room, an' I knows dey's moah ob 
ye guilty ob (All commence to get uneasy, Taylor and Smith 
getting very nervous) perjury, larceny, and Lawd knows, I s'pect 
dar's some chicken thieves. 

Taylor and Smith {jump quickly, zvith a groan). Oh, Lawdy ! 
(Hastily EXIT d. r. c, without looking back. Everybody looks 
surprised) 

Adams {triumphantly). You can't mos' alius sometimes tell 
jes' where lightnin's gwine ter strike. {Laughs) Now once 
ag'in I hab positive proof dat dere are membahs guilty ob 
bribery. 

Penn {rises quickly).' Now you am talkin'. But de less you 
say on dat subjick de fewer words you'll hab to eat. 

Smoke {aside). Now watch, heah's wha' de joke comes in 
purty soon. 

Adams {quickly). Ah, how 'bout dose "Extras," dose Brown 
vote getters? 

Penn (quickly). Dey am only exceeded by those celebrated 
Hickory Splits. 

Smoke (to audience). Now watch me closely, heah's wha' de 
joke comes in. I takes de cigar from my pocket, so. (^Takes an 
"Extra" from pocket) Den I say, "Smoke, hab a smoke." 
(Starts to light) All right, I will. 

Adams (up quickly). Dar's de proof! (Points to Smoke) 
Smoke, whar did yo' get dat "Extra?" 

Smoke (laughs). Why, dat's a joke. Jes' ax Mistah Selzer — 
den if you can't git it fro' youh brain-box, go up to his ofifis nex' 
Tuesday — an' see what you git. 

Adams (scratching head). Nex' Tuesday? Why, dat's Elec- 
tion Day. Can't yo' see, gemmen, it's a plain case ob bribery. 
(Smoke has put the "Extra" back in pocket, and replaced it 
with a "Split," and starts to light) I darfore demand dat our 
president be impeached on- all de groun's aforementioned. 
(Smoke has lighted the "Split" and is puffing vigorously, blozv- 
ing out clouds of smoke. Adams turns and sees Smoke with 
"Split" in mouth) Whew! 

Smoke (grinning). When yo' smell dat delicate arommy, I 
hopes you'll 'member de giver. Does yo' Adams? 

Penn (grinning). You see, Adams, de smokes am now on 
you. 

Adams (puzzled). I move dat dese charges be laid on de 
table, sine die- 

All (yell). Second de motion! 



The Lincoln League. 15 

Adams (startled). Seems to be anonymous! 

Selzer. De charges am tabled- (Rises. More music and 
cheers heard off l.) Gemmen, dat outburst ob enthusiasmy out- 
side am for de honorable Goodrich Brown, our nex' alderman. 
(All cheer, except Adams) Dis gemman is makin' speeches to- 
night around de ward, and he am comin' heah to speak to us. 
(Adams looks up quickly) Gemmen, will you receive him? 

All (rise, except Adams, cheer and answer). Yes, sure we 
will. (Chains rattle outside) 

Selzer. Worthy janitor, you will please 'tend de door. 
(Smoke opens d. l. Brown ENTERS d. l., goes c, where he is 
met by Selzer) De Lincoln League welcomes you, Mistah 
Brown. (All cheer again. Selzer returns to seat) 

Brown (c.). Gentlemen, I thank you for this ovation, for I 
feel that the Lincoln League occupies a position in local politics 
that must be candidly and decisively dealt with. If I am elected 
I promise you fair and impartial treatment. We need, more 
than ever, the square deal in this particular ward, and I shall 
fight for it through thick and thin. (All cheer) I have nothing 
more to offer, except that it is a pleasure for me to be here to- 
night by request of your honored president, who has informed 
me that it is also the anniversary of the League. Another thing 
that appeals especially to me, as well as to yourselves, is the fact 
that a grand " chicken-pie supper " is to follow this meeting, 
and that as I am the guest of honor I hope to do justice to that 
portion of the program. In closing, permit me to compliment 
your worthy president, and thank him for the many favors shown 
me by the Lincoln League. Gentlemen, I thank you. (All cheer) 

Selzer (going down to c). Mistah Brown, although youse 
white, and ebberyone else am mighty brack around you, de color 
line is practicully 'lluminated. Dar's not eben de sign ob a yellow 
streak, am I right, Adams? 

Adams (looks up quickly on mention of name, seems to 
hesitate, then rises slozvly). Selzer, you knowed my weak spot 
when you rung in dat chicken-pie. I sholy can't resist dat. 
You gits my vote. Brown. (All cheer. Selzer returns to seat) 

Smoke (looking around). I guess ebberybody eats chicken-pie 
an' I don' git any punch in de jaw. 

Selzer. Gemmen, dere bein' no furder bizness 'fore dis 
meetin' we will now perceed to close and retire to de dinin' 
room. We will conclude by singin' de closin' ode : — '' Bake Dat 
Chicken Pie." (Raps gavel, calls up members; all join in sing- 
ing "Bake Dat Chicken Pie") 

CURTAIN, at close of Chorus. 



UNCLE TOM'S CABIN (new version)* 

A MELODRAMA IN FIVE ACTS, BY CHAS. TOWNSEND. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Seven male, five female characters (some of the characters pky two parts). Time 
of playing, sj^ hours. This is a new acting edition of a prime old favorite, so simplifie4 
in the stage-setting as to be easily represented by dramatic clubs and traveling companies 
with limited scenery. Uncle Tom's Cabin is a play that never grows old ; being pure 
and faultless, it commands the praise of the pulpit and support of the press, while it 
enlists the favor of all Christians and heads of families. It will draw hundreds where 
other plays draw dozens, and therefore is sure to fill any hall. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS: Act I.—Scene /.—The Shelby plantation in 
Kentucky. — George and Eliza. — The curse of Slavery. — The resolve. — Off for Canada. 
—"I won't be taken." — Shelby and Haley. — Uncle Tom and Harry must be sold. — 
The poor mother. — "Sell my boy ! " — The faithful slave. Scene //.—Gumption Cute.— • 
"By Gum." — Marks the lawyer. — A mad Yankee. — George in disguise. — A friend in 
need. — The human bloodhounds.— The escape. — " Hooray fer old Varmount !" 

Act II.— St. Clare's elegant home.— The fretful wife. —The arrival.— Little Eva.— 
Aunt Ophelia and Topsy. — " O, Golly! I'se so wicked!"— St. Clare's opinion.— 
*' Benighted innocence." — The stolen gloves. — Topsy in her glory. 

Act III.— The angel child.— Tom and St. Clare. — Topsy's mischief.— Eva's re- 
quest.— The promise.— Death of Eva.— St. Clare's grief.— "For thou art gone forever." 

Act IV.— The lonely house.— Tom and St. Clare.— Topsy's keepsake.— Deacon 
Perry and Aunt Ophelia.— Cute on Deck.— A distant relative.— The hungry visitor. — 
*' Chuck full of emptiness."— Cute and the Deacon.— A row.— A fight, — Topsy to the 
rescue.- St. Clare wounded.— Death of St. Clare.—" Eva— Eva— I am coming." 

Act V. — Legree's plantation on the Red River. — Home again.— Uncle Tom's 
noble heart. — " My soul ain't yours, Mas'r."— Legree's cruel work. — Legree and Cassy. 
—The white slave.— A frightened brute.- Legree's fear.— A life of sin. — Marks and 
Cute. — A new scheme. — The dreadful whipping of Uncle Tom. — Legree punished at 
last.— Death of Uricle Tom. — Eva in Heaven. 



THE WOVEN WEB. 

A DJiAMA m FOUR ACTS, BY CHAS. TOWNSEND, 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Seven malcj three female characters, viz. : leading and second jiivenile men, society 
villain, walking gentleman, eccentric comedian, old man, low comedian, leading juvenile 
Jady, soubrette and old woman. Time of playing, 2}^ hours. The Woven Web is a 
flawless drama, pure in thought and action, with excellent characters, and presenting 
no difficulties in costumes or scenery. The story is captivating, with a plot of the most 
intense and unflagging interest, rising to a natural climax of wonderful power. The 
wit is bright and sparkling, the action terse, sharp and rapid. In touching the great 
chord of human sympathy, the author has expended that rare skill which has given 
life to every great play known to the stage. This play has been produced under the 
author's management with marked success, and will prove an unquestionable attraction 
wherever presented. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTSs Act I.— Parkhurst & Manning's law 
office. New York. — Tim's opinion. — The young lawyer. — " Majah Billy Toby, sah ! "-^ 
Love and law. — Bright prospects. — Bertha's misfortune. — A false friend. — The will 
destroyed. — A cunning plot. — Weaving the web. — The unseen witness. — The letter.— 
Accused. — Dishonored. 

Act II. — Winter quarters. — Colonel Hastings and Sergeant Tim. — Moses. — A 
message. — Tim on his dignity. — The arrival. — Playing soldier. — The secret. — The 
promise. — Harry in danger. — Love and duty. — The promise kept. — " Saved at the loss 
of my honor!" 

Act III. — Drawing-room at Falconer's. — Reading the news. — "Apply to Judy ! '_'— 
Louise's romance. — Important news. — Bertha's fears. — Leamington's arrival. — Drawing 
the web. — Threatened.— Plotting.— Harry and Bertha. — A fiendish lie.— Face to face.— 
*'Do you know him?" — Denounced. — "Your life shall be the penalty!" — Startling 
tableau. 

Act IV. — At UncleToby's. — A wonderful climate.— An impudent rascal.— A bit 
of history. — Woman's wit. — Toby indignant. — A quarrel. — Uncle Toby's evidencu.— 
Leamington's last trump. — Good news. — Checkmated. — The telegram. — Breaking the 

web. — Sunshine at Last. . 

Copies mailedtPost^aidt to any address on receipt of the annexed prices, J^ 



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